“Why do you still love him?”

Is also the question I keep asking myself. Despite all the red flags, the avoidance, the silence and the distance, I whole heartedly still love him.

I know in his heart that he is still confuse with his decision to ignore me and to stop what we have started. We met in the wrong time but the right place. I know God let us meet each other for reason. It is destined that we crossed paths.

Do you know the feeling that you already know that person for a very long time? Like souls from different dimensions finally meet?

I love him with all my heart, that is why I keep on fighting even I am the only one who is struggling. They say that if it is love, this must not be hard. But you know, life is not a fairytale. Life is an endless battle, battle for the love we think we deserve. The love that you are longing.

He has a 5-year partner, but he told me that he is single. But I suddenly discovered that he is not. Regardless, I still took even the little amount of chance to be with him, to choose me over his partner. Maybe I am really a fool. But when we are alone, he keeps on telling me that he is not happy with him, that he already planned to break up with him. But look who choose between us. Because he thinks that “it is the right thing to do”.

For me, the right thing to do is to choose his happiness and that happiness is with me. He showed his genuine side, his true colors when he is with me. His friend know that he is an introvert, but being with me he is alive.

I know this is not the end of our story. I know that in his heart there is a regret lingering. That “what if” he finally chose me. I still love him.

Going back to the question “why do you still love him?”, I love him with no reason. Because if you love him with a reason, that reason is gone and so do love.

Hangin

Tuwing maiisip kita, masakit pa rin pala. Akala ko time heals, pero tuwing maaalala kita, bigla na lang dumidilim ang mundo ko. Pumapatak yun luha.

 It still hurt. It still hurt that even time cannot heal the wound.

I always remember you in a song, in a place, in an ad, in a movie and also 3 in the morning where I get stuck looking at the ceiling wondering why you leave.

I am waiting for you to come and knock to my door. Everyday, I am waiting. Every time I sleep, I always pray for you to come back. But I always ended up crying.

Lagi kong tinatanong sa diyos, bakit ka dumating sa buhay ko? Bakit mo ako iniwan? Bakit niya hinayaang maging ganito? But still the answer is a blank space in my mind and in my heart.

It’s like a thousand years that I have known you. That I loved you before the day I was born. Siguro ang hirap paniwalaang “oo minahal kita sa napaka ikling panahon”. Hindi ikaw ako, hindi mo mararamdaman ang isang ako. At ang maging ako, napakahirap. Dahil pag nagmahal ako, binubuhos ko lahat. Hindi ako naniniwalang kailangan mong magtira sa sarili mo. Hindi iyon totoo, dahil kapag nagmahal ka hindi mo mamamalayan, na naibigay mo na lahat.

Hindi ko pa rin alam bakit… bakit nag kaganito ang lahat.

I cannot resist looking at our old conversation, your photos and most especially your promises. And every time I look into those things, I smile, I smile while tears are pouring.

I wish I could go back to the time where you and I were happy together.

Sorry for the things I’ve said, sa pangungulit ko, siguro nga hindi ako yung taong sinasabi mong inantay mo dati pa.

At siguro hindi ikaw yung mag liligtas sa puso ko.

Lagi kong iniisip, baka kaya mo ako iniwan kasi kailangan mo yung time para makafocus sa mga bagay na hinihingi mo sa akin na intindihin ko. Pero bakit sa ganitong paraan? Bakit kailangan akong masaktan? Siguro nga mali na ipaglaban pa kita sa isip ko.

Na iisip ko lagi na, umiiyak ka rin kaya? Naaalala mo rin kaya ako? Kung paano na ako? Kasi ako oo. Umiiyak ako lagi tuwing maiisip kita. Dahil sa pagkamiss at sakit na maiwan.

I am still hoping for the day that we will finally realize that we need to rekindle the love. That love is sweeter the second time around. That we will not let each other go.

Now I think I need to let go of the idea that you will be back, that everything will fall into places, that things will be the same again.

You will always have a special place in my heart.

I love you so much. I love you so much that I will set you free.

Alam ko napaka inconsistent ko sa mga decisions ko pero sa totoo I do not want you to go away.

But,

For now, I think our story is in hiatus. And if our story end between the pause, I wish we are both happy about it. My love.

Ibalik

Ito na, oras at panahon na iyong hiniling. Sana ikaw ay makarating pabalik sa akin piling.

Ito na yung oras na makakapag-isip ka na at ako. Na sana marealize mo lahat na mahal mo talaga ako. Na sana di mo ko iniwan. Na sana nagawa mo pa rin akong irespeto.

Mahal, nakalimutan ko na kung paano irespeto yung sarili ko. Naging desperado akong magkabalikan tayo. Kinain ko lahat ng natitirang pride. Kahit na nagmukha akong baliw at tanga.

Di ako napagod, di ako sumuko. Magpapahinga lang ako.

Di kita kakalimutan, kailangan ko lang ibalik yung respeto. Yung pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko. Di ko namalayan kinakalimutan ko na yung pagkatao ko para lang mapasaya ka, maibalik ka.

Sana magkrus ang ating mga landas at muli tayong ibalik sa isa’t isa. Sa tala ng buhay ko, ngayon lang ako umibig ng ganito. Na kahit ano hahamakin ko.

Love is not anger, it is not selfish and does not cause pain. Love is kind, understanding and patient.

Gusto kong bumalik sa panahon una tayong nagkita, kung saan nagsisintas ka ng sapatos. Na baka sakaling maitama ko lahat ng pagkakamali, na maitama natin lahat ng ating pagkukulang.

Mahal na mahal kita. Di ako magsasawang sabihin ito. Na kung ulit ay papipiliing maging tayo, ang tanging isasagot ko ay oo.

Panaginip

Gusto ko lang i-share yung napanaginipan ko. Sobrang depressing niya para sa akin kasi yung mahal ko yung involve at akala ko ayos na ang lahat. Akala ko bumalik na ang lahat sa dati.

  Nagkita tayo sa isang kanto, malungkot ang iyong mga mata. Nagchat ka sa akin na anong problema kahit magkatabi na tayo. Nagtalo tayo, nagkaayos.

 Hinawakan mo ang aking kamay at sinabing “sasama ako sa’yo” pauwi sa bahay natin. Humiga ka sa kama at hinalikan mo ako sa aking mga labi. Sinabi ko, “sandali lang kukunin ko lang ang doughnut”. Pagbalik ko wala ka na. Pagising ko panaginip lang pala.

The one who walk away

​Hey, yes you. Incase you are wondering, I am good. Trying so hard to be good. Trying to feel when we first met. Trying to forget every bad memories and retaining all the good times we had. I did not hold grudges, because that is not love. Anger is not love. Love is forgiving, love is kind, love is patient. And I loved you. I will always love you. Maybe I am saying all of this to you so soon. But I believe, if you really love someone, you do not need to hold it for so long. Because we do not know when that love of your life will leave you. I am glad that I said it too much, that I felt the love and it made me who I am today.

You said, that you want me to enjoy life, that I am problematic. You are wrong. I am happy before I met you. I enjoyed life before I met you. But when we met, I felt lucky to have someone that made me learn how to love and be loved.

Masaya ako na malungkot, masaya kasi nakilala kita at minahal kita. Malungkot kasi yung taong nagbigay sa akin ng pagasang mahalin, aalis din pala.

Love, if ever we had a second chance I will still save you, love you and care for you.

One day I wish you realize the times we had, the laughter, tears, excitement and love that we shared with each other.

Mahal alam ko malabo na ang lahat, but still here I am hoping for that day.

Mahal na mahal kita. Wag mo pababayaan sarili mo. Lahat ng bilin ko sa iyo, kahit hindi na tayo magkasama sana gawin mo pa din.

Thank you and I love you.

Ulan (edited 2017)

​Your smile is like an ocean and I love the ocean.
I love when I see you smile, like you are not embarrass seeing by people being with me.

You are like the rain, and I love the rain, enough to say that I love you when I told you like you are a rain.

I will be here for you secretly, I will be going with you wherever you want to be with me, I will spend my last dime just to be with you… Because I know true love conquers all, I just wish that someday you will be the person that showers me with love… And be my storm.